You’re probably skeptical of this post’s title, and I fully understand. You may not picture such a womanizing, egocentric, virile, and stud muffin of a dog to even have a feminine side – and I can assure you, I didn’t know about it myself until this past weekend.
It all started when Dad went away to visit some friends, leaving Mum and I to ‘fend for ourselves’ (as she puts it). The first night together she kissed and caressed me into a slumber, wherein when I awoke she was doing my nails! I should have suspected this sort of female deception like Dad always taught me to watch out for..
I may have been sleepy, but I wasn’t impressed. Mum was quick to take this opportunity to convince me otherwise though.
She told me how the ladies like a guy who is in touch with his feminine side. It shows you’re comfortable with yourself, therefore building confidence (which I know chicks dig), and it also lets you ‘relate’ to them more, making it easier to get closer with them.
Her reasoning seemed viable, especially if it results in an increase in my sex appeal (that’s always my endgame).
So from our weekend together I compiled a list of steps – based on my own observations – to help others explore their feminine side as well.
If you’re a dude, you might want to write these down..
Step 1: spend hours looking at and admiring yourself in a mirror.
This one is absolutely no problem for me. I had been meaning to ask Mum to put a mirror down to floor-level anyway. Like what the heck? The one celebrity in the house doesn’t even have an eye-level mirror?
If this was all I had to do to get in touch with my feminine side, then heck – call me a woman! (But seriously, don’t).
Step 2: weigh yourself often
Mum says it’s not about weighing ‘less’ and that it’s about weighing a ‘healthy’ amount.
I also see eye to eye with her on this one. Being a celebrity and an athlete, I have to watch my figure while still building muscle mass. So ya, I’ve used a scale a few times before..
I usually weigh between 11 to 13 pounds, depending on how much I’ve been working out.
Step 3: take a lot of candle-lit bubble baths
I’ll admit, I didn’t observe this from Mum but it is my basic understanding that women like to take a lot of bubble baths with candles. I guess it helps with relaxation and self-reflection?
Anyway, I figured I’d give it a try.
I don’t think I really got the gist of this one, because the whole time I only wanted to play with my ball.
Throw a few chicks in here and then talk to me about relaxation!
Now, taking a bath also means a good photo opportunity, which I can never pass up. So Mum (somehow) figured out Dad’s GoPro camera and was able to snap a few shots of me underwater.
Here’s a profile shot of me throwing a pose underwater.
The thing about women is that they’re always secretly throwing a pose. The trick is to always act like someone’s watching. You’ll be amazed at how much better you look.
Step 4: sun tanning is important
Yes, yes it is. Here’s another one I’m already an expert at. In fact, I think most dogs out there are probably pretty good at this.
But do you know what’s wrong with this photo?
I’m wearing my collar. That means tan lines.
Step 5: take care of your skin
Chicks like to put a lot of skin cream on to stay smooth and smelling nice. I’m not too big on this one, but once in a while I get a nice facial to rejuvenate my pores and and make my fur nice and shiny.
Step 5: don’t be afraid to get dressed up all fancy-like
A good way to get in touch with your feminine side is to get all ‘fancied up’. Women are creatures of beauty, after all.
So here’s me, all dressed up by Mum, looking like miss Little Red Riding Hood.
Like I said on Facebook, at least I was nice and warm that day.
So those are my observations on how to get in touch with your feminine side. I didn’t realize it until now, but it turns out I’m already pretty in touch with my feminine side. In fact, maybe that is why the ladies dig me so much. I never looked at it this way before, but now that I do, it makes sense.
So fans, did I miss anything? If you have any other tips for hookin’ up with your feminine side, drop them in the comments!
P.S. I’m now on Instagram. Look me up – crusoe_dachshund