Welcome to the day-in-the-life of BATDOG; a rare glimpse into the daily routine of a world-renowned celebrity superdog. Mass media has shown you the popular side to BATDOG – all the swooping into action, catching bad guys, and posing for the press. But now it’s time for a different side to all that.
For this single day, I – BATDOG, have given special permission to my camera crew to follow me from morning to night, documenting my daily activities at home when not out fighting crime.
So the first thing you’re probably wondering is why do I even wear the BATDOG suit when lounging about at home? Why wouldn’t I just put it on as I head out the door on a call… like a firefighter, or Superman?
Well the pure and simple reason is ego. Wearing the suit makes me feel powerful, sexy, confident, and all-in-all, totally self-absorbed. Actually, I’m all those things anyway but especially so as BATDOG! Why the heck do you think we have so many mirrors in this house?!
Anyway, I like to start my day with one of the delicious products by Nature’s Path. Their organic ingredients and unique flavor combinations give a superdog the energy they need to – well, in this case, lounge about the house.
So the next thing you’re wondering is if that was just a product placement you witnessed. Heck yes it was!
In fact, Nature’s Path was kind enough to send us a buttload of granola, but only because Mum and Dad love it so much to begin with! Anyway, a bit of a cheap deal if you ask me: Mum and Dad get to enjoy the free goodies while I have to do all the promotional labor.
But then again, it’s not like Dad’s face would help sell anything.
Anyway, it’s not long after that healthy fiber intake that my internal clock is right on time…
Hey, everybody poops. Even BATDOG.
Next it’s time for some tanning while the sun is still low enough in the sky to cast its warm rays through the windows. Of course I keep my mask on for this, because after all I’m working on a BATDOG mask-tan.
That way when chicks see me in the streets – even when I’m not on duty, they’ll be all like, “OMG you’re BATDOG!” and I’ll be all like, “OMG I know!”
I’m day-dreaming about it now…
After the sun warms up my seemingly cold-blooded self, I like to catch up on some news in the dog world and whatever trouble’s been stirring lately. Today there just happened to be a story about a large PetSmart heist as executed by a group of wired hairs (can’t trust em).
I won’t do anything about that today though, because hey – I’m off duty.
Thinking of bad guys reminds me that I always need to be ready for a fight. So to kick off my daily workout routine – and as my midday meal replacement, I make myself a nice protein shake.
Now you’re probably wondering how I make this, so I’ll tell you, but just be aware that this is not a sissy protein shake. This shake is designed specifically for testosterone-fueled superdogs (as engineered by Chef Crusoe) and is sure to put some hair on your chest (among other areas).
Here’s how to make it:
In a blender, combine all the following and blend until smooth.
- 5 cooked chicken breasts
- 2 raw eggs
- 1 squirrel tail
- A bit of bat poop (because hey, I’m BATDOG)
- 2 of Dad’s stinky socks
- 1 pair of Mum’s underwear
- 1 banana
- Freshly squeezed lemon, to taste
The drink of champions!
So as a warm-up to my workout, I start with a little yoga. Here’s my ‘downward dog’.
Good. This next yoga position doesn’t have an official name that I know of, but I like to call it ‘flat frog’.
Having done some nice stretching to loosen up, now I go into the heavy lifting.
Time for some chin-ups!
“…One million and twenty five… One million and twenty six…”
I like to start my counts at a million – much more motivating and satisfying that way.
Once I have the muscles burning, I move into some combat exercises. Here’s me practicing my ankle attacks!
Burglars don’t stand a chance!
In the wake of a good workout and after admiring my muscles in the various mirrors around the house, by now I’ve put myself in the mood for some womanizing.
And so I pull up my favorite app – Tinder, on my BATPhone.
My method to seducing woman isn’t exactly ‘conventional’ by the app’s standards though.
Here’s my process:
1) First I find a sexy lady I’m keen on. Generally I go for blondes, brunettes, redheads, and
balds – er, piebalds.
“Ah, Tiffany looks like a cutie! Blonde, and with a pink bow-tie!”
2) I click the heart button to show I like her, then send her a message. But I’m not doing all this from “BATDOG’s account” – no, this is all happening through a dummy account I created for a “Mr. Ugly Batface” using a scary profile pic. My message to her reads something like this;
“Hi Tiffany, this is Mr. Ugly Batface. I’m coming to burglarize your home tonight. Only BATDOG can save you. (Just so happens I have BATDOG’s number: XXX-XXXX)”
3) Repeat several dozen times.
4) Then I wait patiently for my phone to start ringing off the hook with damsels who think they’re in distress.
So anyway, that’s how it works. Please don’t tell Mum about this because I don’t think she’d approve.
Speaking of Mum, another one of my many daily occurrences is warding off Mum’s kisses. She’s always trying to ruin my hard-earned reputation of being fearsome!
“Geez Mum, not on camera, c’mon!”
After a long day and having only had a meal replacement for lunch, I’m pretty hungry by the time dinner comes around. That’s why I’m so enthusiastic when I hear the kibbles tinkling into my bowl!
Plus, at some point I have to put on a little show for the camera, right? ; )
Then as the sun casts its final rays out over the horizon, I finally remove the mask and reflect on the day (but mainly about which chick is going to call).
I hope it’s Tiffany…
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