A Loooong Dog Christmas List

December 10, 2012 by Crusoe

It’s almost Christmas, and although it may seem like the people doing the shopping are having the busiest time, I have actually been the most busy in educating and coordinating everyone to get me all the things I want.

I know what you’re thinking – “Crusoe, you’re a celebrity, don’t you have everything your little heart desires?”

They aren’t my words but I will respond by saying, “the world is not enough” (I’ve been on a bit of James Bond kick lately). And actually that reminds me of one of the amazing contestants from my fairly recent SuperDog Photo Contest – Mr. Jeff Boned:

(I guess James Bond really has to be a wiener to start drinking Pina Coladas over martinis).

Anyway, I’m getting off-topic already. This is about me and what I want for Christmas. I will have to prioritize and summarize my Christmas list down to the bare minimum, otherwise this would become a many-part series of blog posts. So let’s begin.

1. Snowballs.

‘What the heck?’

Yes, seriously, snowballs. This is my absolute favorite part of winter! Most of my more long-standing fans probably know this, but I am actually a fiend for snowballs – almost as much or equal to my ~~love~~ unhealthy obsession for squeaky toys. It sounds crazy I know, but just watch how excited I get when Dad throws the snowball for me in the below video.

Those are my little chirps of excitement.

I’ve even tried to bring a snowball inside before!

I get especially excited when I see Dad bend over and start packing the snow together.

He has to be careful though because in my delusional fits of snowball-obsessed craziness, I will not hesitate to bite his fingers off.

(Hey, he’s been forewarned..)

(Notice my sexy silver chest hair shining through the opening in my jacket ; )

2. Squeaky Balls

I can never have enough of these. Mum usually buys them in packs of 5 to give them to me over time. However, the problem is (for her) that no matter how well she sneaks them into the house and hides them, I can smell them from a mile away. It didn’t take me long to discover her most recent stash, which was on the top shelf inside the closet – and once I did, I sat in front of the door for hours. Literally, hours.

And it worked, as usual.

3. Mini Squeaky Tennis Balls

These are very different than the above squeaky faces. They are cheaper and easier to get (PetSmart), so I consider them my ‘filler’ toys. Meaning, in between the intervals to which I receive new squeaky faces, I fill this time by playing with these ones. They are fun, especially to remove the little squeaker piece – which Dad later uses as a very confusing whistle…

4. Rosetta Stone – Italian

Why do I want to learn Italian?

Well, as I announced earlier today on Facebook, my blog posts will now be regularly translated and published on the Cosmopolitan Italia website!

So, imagine all the chicks that will be reading my stuff now! I need to brush up on my Italian for when I eventually meet some of them.

I take my babe-chasing business very seriously, but you don’t need me to tell you that..

5. Babes

I’m not sure you can ask for babes for Christmas, but once Santa sees my name on the letter, I’m sure he’ll make an exception.

Here’s my babe criteria:

Must be a dachshund or dachshund mix.
No wired hair sneaky bitches.
In good shape with a cute butt.
If a long-haired, she must take good care of herself, including brushing her hair regularly.
She must have a sense of humor. I don’t mind a little sassiness but not over the top.
If she’s into squeaky balls then that would be ideal.

I’ve asked Mum to make sure my stocking is extra large so that at least a couple babes can fit in it.

6. More Vacations

My celebrity life is becoming more and more demanding. Wherever I turn there is a camera snapping, someone asking for my pawtograph, or people ogling at my ~~cuteness~~ sexiness. I find this stressful, wherein the only realistic solution I can see is to take more vacations. My recent trip to the Bahamas was a great way to just relax and have some carefree fun.

7. More Fashion Accessories

This includes everything from Ray Bans to trendy jackets to my vast array of costumes. The more the better.

So that sort of wraps up my ‘top-level’ Christmas list. It gets much more specific and granular as I keep going.

Mum and Dad told me that if I wanted anything from my list, I needed to tell Santa myself. So this past weekend we headed over to a PetSmart where I met up with this ‘supposed’ Santa.

My first impression of him was not great. From all the pictures I’ve seen of this guy, he’s never had a nose ring or black eyebrows. I was especially frustrated with him when I started reading off my Christmas list and noticed he wasn’t writing any of it down.