Well, today is one to go down in the history books. It’s the day I reveal Captain Crusoe – sailor of the seven seas, slayer of sea monsters, seducer of sexy mermaids, and likely the cutest nautical wiener you’ve even seen.
Although I have been a seasoned sailor and avid fisherman for some time now, it’s never official until you have the theme-specific outfit. I had my Captain’s hat custom ordered with the wiener dog logo, of course.
So for my first-ever voyage as Captain Crusoe, I arranged a 2:00 pm departure time with Mum, Dad, and family. I was so excited to get out on the boat that I arrived at 1:30 and just sat on the dock waiting for my passengers to arrive.
Plus, it gave me some needed photo shoot time before they arrived.
As the clock ticked closer to departure time, I kept checking my iPaw waiting for people to show up.
Usually I’m the one that’s fashionably late..
Finally they came into view!
As passengers began to arrive and form a line down the dock, they became a bit anxious to get on the boat.
I had to step in to say, “slow down there. I need to see your boarding passes and identification please”. Yes, they may be immediate family, but as my first day on the job I need to follow all the rules.
Once I double checked everyone’s credentials, it was “all aboard”!
As we heaved anchor and cast off from the dock, I gave my little Captain’s speech to the passengers, informing them of the following:
- There is only one lifeboat available, wherein all the sexy ladies (and myself) will be saved first in case of an emergency.
- Do not touch, take, or ask to wear the Captain’s hat. It is the sole property of the Captain (me).
- The onboard fire extinguisher is a prop only. In case of fire, do the obvious and use the frickin’ water around you.
- The onboard safety whistle is strictly for whistling at babes from afar, and the air horn is for the babes that are really far.
- Only the Captain drives the boat, and only compliments will be accepted about his driving skills.
- Tips are mandatory upon the end of the trip, and will be accepted in the form of squeaky balls or treats.
- Terminology: ‘stern’ means I’m serious, ‘port’ means open me a bottle of wine, ‘starboard’ means hottie ahead, and ‘bow’ means the front of the ship, obviously.
My boat, my rules.
(Ok, it’s Mum and Dad’s boat but whatever, same thing).
Mum later took me aside and told me that it is customary (and honorable) for a Captain “to go down with his ship” in the case of it sinking. I said to heck with that, I’ve got too much to live for.
Anyway, this Captain thing is going a bit to my head as usual. It’s just that becoming a Captain has always been a bit special to me. The reason being is the pale birthmark I have on my nose that is said to resemble an anchor.
It’s as if I was always meant to be a (celebrity) Captain.
Plus I really like it! There’s just something very satisfying about having your paw on the throttle – which by the way is really easy to push down for more speed, but not so easy for me to lift up to slow down.
Don’t let that deter you from being a passenger of mine though. I am in actual fact, a really good driver.
I know that may be hard to believe when all I have is pictures to prove it, so here’s a 6-second Vine video to show you just how competent I am behind the
I can go faster, too.
Anyway, it may look like a lot of what I do as Captain is just for show (and it is), but it’s hard work in itself. I found that after just a little while I was pooped.
I granted Dad temporary permission to take the wheel while I enjoyed a quick power nap in the Captain’s quarters.
Once I was well-rested again, I retook my position on the wheel and sailed around the bay with my passengers. I like my customers to have a good time so I acted as their ‘tour guide’, explaining everything around us as we went. I made it all up, but that doesn’t really matter. As long as they liked their trip, then I’ll get a good tip!
In fact, being a Captain was such hard work that I think I’ll need an assistant for next time.
That’s why when my brother Oakley comes to join me for our summer vacation in a month I will promote him to Cabin Boy – and perhaps First Mate if he does well. We’ll see.
P.S. I’d be so happy if you could nominate me for Funniest (or Best) Pet Blog at the Petties! Remember, you can nominate once per day and for more than one category. If I win, $10,000 goes to the nominated shelter/rescue as well! (You can choose Canadian Dachshund Rescue or whichever you prefer!) Please & thanks!