Crusoe the Realtor (I'm Moving!)

I know it’s been a while since I’ve done a regular, day-in-the-life, news-of-late, how I’m doin’-kinda blog post. Well, so far 2016 has been a busy year for me, despite me thinking I’d take a bit of a break after my book tour in November 2015. In fact, I’m writing this blog via the high-speed wifi of my private jet at 21,000 feet.

Okay-okay, maybe I don’t have a private jet. And “maybe” I’m writing this while on the toilet, but the point is I have some free time and I’m making the most of it.

The main reason I haven’t been blogging as much is just because I’ve been busy with various things; I teamed up with Heinz to represent their awesome dachshunds in hot dog costumes commercial; I went on tour across Canada to raise awareness for tick prevention; I took a few vacations; I’m working towards a major Grand Re-Opening of my online store with all-new merchandise; AND… I’m moving!

cute dachshund crusoe

You heard that right – I’m moving, as in houses where I live. But let’s back up a bit first to see how all that happened.

A few months ago at our daily family meeting where I generally bring up petty issues about Mum and Dad and their management style, such as how my dinnertime should be moved to 4:00 instead of 4:30, how there’s a conflict of power when Mum says I can’t chew sticks in the house but Dad says I can, or even just how my weekly squeaky ball allowance is insufficient. So as you can see, all sorts of very legitimate concerns that warrant a daily discussion.

But anyway, at this particular meeting I brought up the idea of changing homes. This proposal was a bit of a shock to Mum and Dad, but I came prepared with a killer pitch-presentation.

reason to move dachshund

I was actually quite surprised to see how receptive Mum and Dad were to the idea. Mum even stated, “yes it might be nice to move back to the country again”, considering I was originally a country dog until I moved to the city 4 years ago.

So, they gave me the A-OK to start the process!

“First thing’s first”, I said the next day as we regrouped for the strategy meeting. “We need to add value to this place before selling and buying our new one. We need to redo the kitchen.”

“Dad and I will start on that. I’ll be project manager. Dad will be lowly laborer.”

crusoe kitchen renovations

“Mum, you can start finding listings that meet my criteria for a new home. ”

I then proceeded to read out my criteria to her…

  • A two-car garage. (Just in case I end up getting two Porsches).
  • A healthy squirrel population. Not the all-black/gray ones like from the city. I like the woodsy brown-colored country squirrels. It’s not a racial thing, it’s just personal preference, so don’t make it a big deal.
  • A large sweeping meadow of a backyard; something reminiscent of the Sound of Music where they’re dancing in the hills. Obviously Dad will have to keep the grass cut to a an acceptable wiener-level though…
  • Ideally no stairs. I despise having to wait around at the gate for someone to carry me up like some incapable invertebrate. Either a very spacious bungalow or bark-activated elevators will do.
  • I don’t really care for swimming much, but a pool would be good so that I can host epic pool parties.
  • Likewise a giant hot tub would be nice. Something that can fit at least a dozen chicks and isn’t more than half-a-foot deep so I can still stand up.
  • A new walk-in closet & wardrobe for all my outfits, costumes, and clothes.
  • A batcave. To this day I still don’t know how I’ve gotten by as ‘BATDOG’ without even having a batcave… ridiculous.

That’s when Mum interrupted me, and with one of her irksome smirks spattered across her face, too.

crusoe dachshund the boss

“Crusoe, I realize you want all these things, but to be honest I don’t think we can afford a place with all that…” she said.

That made me bite my lip.

dachshund funny lip

But then I settled down, only to coolly reply with, “Listen, Mum. Just do the best you can to get everything on my list. And if we happen to need a little extra dough, don’t worry, I think I could convince Oakley to rob a bank if I told him it was full of squeakies.”

So while Mum worked on finding potential houses, Dad and I toiled around the house on minor repairs, fixes, and improvements.

crusoe the dachshund painter2

“Wait, you mean you didn’t want me to paint my signature on the wall?!”

And also some new plumbing under the kitchen sink.

crusoe dachshund the plumber

“Dad, would you hand me those giant monster toenail clipper things?”

“Yes, those. Just keep them away from my toes…”

dog plumber costume

(I don’t trust those things).

It wasn’t too long after that Mum came to us with a good house option. It didn’t meet all my criteria, but it was manageable. So, with a little tactical negotiation on my part, we made an offer, a counteroffer, and bam – we bought a house!

So starting August 1st, I’ll be – once again, a country dog!

But that brought up the next predicament. We needed to sell our current place. And there was no debate that I would be our realtor.

So I dressed the part, stuck up my sign outside our house, and waited for any passersby to show any indication of interest.

crusoe the realtor

That’s when Dad noticed my sign and said, “Crusoe! Where did you come up with that call number? Seems sort of… inappropriately suggestive, no?!

“What on Earth do you mean?!”, I questioned. “This is an ingenious marketing ploy. Any dog who says ‘yes to a bone‘ should give me a call, because I’m giving away free bones with each visitation.”

Dad laughed. “Well, do what you got to do…”

I didn’t understand what all that was about, but I ignored him and waited outside patiently by my sign. I was hoping to attract the canine-type of potential buyer, but when a young woman walking by said she was looking to buy a new home, I quickly invited her in to show her around.

“Before we step inside”, I began, “since we’re here I’ll just show you the toilet. This is where I usually do my number one and number two.”

dachshund fire hydrant

“Oh”, she exclaimed. “I’m sorry, but I’m not a dog…”

“Right. I can see that”, I said plainly. “You do have a dog though, don’t you?”

“Well yes, but…”

“Good, so I’ll continue. Right this way.”

Next I showed her inside, starting with the living room. “This is where I like to come and relax for a bit of afternoon sunshine, occassionally enjoy a bone or a good squeak up on my Master Chair. Speaking on which, would you like a complimentary bone?”

crusoe dachshund the realtor

“Uh… no thanks”, she replied flatly.

Her loss.

“As you can see, the current owners have impeccable taste in artwork”, I continued.

She looked around and seemed pleased with what she was seeing. “It’s very nice!” she said.

“Yes, it is. But as I realtor it’s my duty to inform you that this room has been the scene of many brutal murders.”

crusoe dachshund realtor

What?!” she just about yelled.

“Yes, it’s true. At least a dozen of my favorite squeaky ferrets have been dismembered and disemboweled on this very carpet. Actually, that bin over there is fully of bodies.”

Phew, she huffed. “I thought you meant people!

“No no, don’t be ridiculous, although I’m pretty sure Dad almost died on the couch last time he came down with a cold (judging by his complaining anyway).”

Then I showed her the balcony.

“As you can see, it’s features a modern ‘faux grass’ carpeting which acts as a lovely suntanning bed or place for a mid-day siesta.”

dachshund on balcony

(You see, the key to being a good realtor is to really help the potential buyer “imagine” themselves living there).

“Now let’s take a look at the kitchen, shall we?”

crusoe dachshund moving to country

“It features plenty of counter-top space; great for entertaining, and in fact was the setting of several award-winning cooking shows by Chef Crusoe. It was also just recently renovated by some expert contractors, I might add.”

She seemed pleased. “Yes, the handywork looks good.”

“Now I’ll show you the bathroo-oh no!

Crusoe Squeaky Toy

Dang, I forgot I had left that trap there! I did my best to explain.

Ahem. Yes, we MAY have a minor rat problem, but I do believe that was the last one though. Shall we move on?”

Next I showed her upstairs, pausing in the doorway to the master bedroom.

“This is the master bedroom. It’s luxurious and spacious, with plenty of room to chase a ball, and even has ANOTHER mini balcony. Let me show you…”

crusoe dachshund how to sell a house

But as soon as I walked in, that’s when I realized I had totally forgotten to tidy up my nightstand in my haste to become a realtor and put the house on the market…

“I do apologize for the mess, I said.”

Crusoe the Dachshund - the BIG WIENER

“But at least we haven’t found any rats up here, though! That’s a positive!”

Lastly, I had to show the woman the bathroom.

“This is the tub.”

crusoe dachshund in the tub

“I know it looks rather spacious, but I must be honest – I’ve only ever been able to fit about 5 chicks in here at once.” I looked down at my paws, sadly. “I realize that may be a deal breaker…”

The woman looked a little shocked, probably in disappointment.

“Oh, that shouldn’t be a problem. Room for one chick is perfectly fine with me!”

Not what I expected, but, I couldn’t complain! “Well, in that case, I think we’re about done with the tour!”

“Well, I’m impressed, but will have to think about it, Mr. Crusoe.” she said as she made her way towards the door. “Oh but you didn’t tell me about the neighborhood?”

“Oh, well, that I unfortunately can’t say too many great things about it – it’s rather boring. I’ve gone cruising around here as BATDOG on multiple occasions looking for criminals in the act, but nope – it’s too ‘goody-two-shoes’ around here.”

Crusoe & Oakley cruisin'

And yet, she surprised me again by answering, “oh, that’s perfect! Well, I will definitely be in touch!”

So there you have it folks. Looks like this is a textbook example of a ‘perfect sell’!

Now the only left to do is negotiate my commission with Mum and Dad. And seems I have a ready-buyer to boost my leverage! 😉

Keep movin’ on up,

~ Crusoe

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Keep ballin’,