Are Two Wieners Better Than One?

Alright fans, it’s about time I level with you. Mum wants another wiener dog for our family, plain and simple. Dad is the one who isn’t convinced yet. He says we need to wait until we move to a bigger place, and that our condo is only big enough for one celebrity right now (understandably). So while Mum and Dad look after my half-brother Oakley from Toronto for the next two weeks, they’ll be using this as an opportunity to think about getting another one.

In fact, Mum sends Dad pictures of available wiener dogs just about everyday. I find this a little offensive – as if one wiener isn’t good enough? Besides, Oakley is plenty for me to handle, and I don’t even see him that often! Anyway, I’ll be using these next two weeks as well to decide how I (the only real celebrity in the family..) would like to have a second one. After all, I should have a say in this, too?

So here are some of my observations thus far.

As expected, Oakley and I don’t always see eye to eye.

That’s not really much of a problem though. Being the older (and stronger) one, I always have the final say. In fact, I have the final say over Mum and Dad, too, but that’s another story.

Oakley follows me everywhere, as is the case with most little brothers. This can get a bit annoying. Especially if I find myself on a big chase or on my way to an important celebrity business meeting, I don’t want some bumbling goofball lagging behind me – especially one who wears a dorky cat bell on his collar. Like seriously..

So that’s actually going to be one of my goals over the next couple weeks – to teach Oakley how to be a celebrity. I’ll teach him all about camera angles and lighting, and how you need to take care of your hygiene before going on set. I might even tell him about my secret tactic where I do a bunch of push ups and laps around the condo so my muscles are all flexed up.

But goofy is his character. He’s the funny one. I’m the handsome, charming, smart, athletic, and graceful one. But no matter your character, I have one golden rule: always look cute, or sexy. I personally prefer sexy but I understand there are some moments that call for cute.

Second golden rule: no cat paraphernalia in the apartment.

Third golden rule: this is my chair. Normally, Mum and Dad have to file an official seating request a couple of days in advance if they want to sit on it (so I can check my window-watching schedule and all), but I’ll let Oakley sit here this time, at least until he learns the proper procedures.

And he not only follows me everywhere, but also copies everything I do. At first I was a little perturbed by this, but as one of my fans pointed out on Facebook, it’s the best form of flattery. Besides, I guess that’s the best way for him to learn how to be a good celebrity.

One thing I take very seriously is my hunting/tracking/chasing. Once we’re out in the woods, it’s not play time. Oakley needs to understand that. He also needs to follow my lead if he ever wants to get a squirrel.

Tip #1: Always walk along a log when you can. It’s easier, quieter, and faster than walking on the ground and through the brush. Plus, it gives you a bit of elevation for a better vantage point. I bet he didn’t know that..

So, there’ll be many more celebrity advice and tracking tips over the next two weeks. I’ll see if I can mould his (soft and squishy) body into that of a chiseled celebrity. It’ll be hard work, but I have confidence in my little bro. I’ll continue my observations through my training, and see how much I like this (having another permanent wiener in the house).

I’ll let you know how Mum and Dad fare as well.

Yet I would also like to know what my fans think. Is two really better than one? Do you think my spotlight has room for a second?

Keep ballin’,

~ Crusoe