I’ve recently decided to run for both President of the United States and Prime Minister of Canada, and anywhere else that’s hiring. In fact, if your country is in need of a new leader, just write me in and I’ll show up for the debates and later the inauguration when I’m elected.
Now of course, I probably had your vote from the moment I announced my candidacy. I mean, it’s pretty much a given.
BUT I would still like TO FEEL as if I had to work hard to win your vote, which is why I began my campaign by taking to the street to interview fellow citizens – dogs and people alike, on the real issues.
My first interview was with my friend Laffie.
Crusoe: “What are some of the issues you battle everyday as a citizen of this country?”
Laffie: “Not enough cookies!”
Crusoe: “I couldn’t agree more.”
Laffie: “And not enough squirrels!”
Crusoe: “Right, there can never be enough squirrels.”
Laffie: “And not enough cookies!”
Crusoe: “Yes, you said that.”
Then I interviewed my Uncle Jack, who’s also my fishing buddy.
Crusoe: “Sorry to make you bend over like this, but what are some of the real dog-related issues you face everyday?”
Uncle Jack: “Well, the dog demands too many cookies I would say.”
Crusoe: “Hm. No offence, but that sounds like a stupid opinion.”
I asked them a bunch of other questions too, and in the end had a pretty good idea as to what sort of change people are looking for in their country. Now I present to you some of the key point of my political campaign that I’m sure you’ll find overwhelmingly convincing – as long as you aren’t for REDUCING the amount of cookies for dogs.
Point 1
Yep, I think it’s pretty well known at this point that I host the best parties. And YOU KNOW all them sexy ladies be invited.
I think all of our countries’ leaders probably have parties like this, but it’s just a question of if they admit it. Obviously I do, which says a lot about my honesty and integrity.
Point 2:
You might call it vanity, but I think most people would truly be happier in life to see my face every time they pull our their wallet.
Point 3:
Metaphorically, I am an absolutely wonderful breath of fresh air. Literally, I have what you would call “dog morning breath with hints of salmon”.
Point 4:
This proved to be one of the biggest issues today from all my interviews. I can relate to it first hand, because I know for a fact Oakley gets wayyyy more cookies than I do on a daily basis.
I mean, it’s pretty obvious no?
Point 5:
I mean, do you really need any more reasons than that? With BATDOG as your leader, I can personally ensure the safety of everyone – as long as I’m not away on vacation.
My VP, Oakley, will cover for me when I’m gone.
Point 6:
I know this can be a sensitive subject, but I think we would all agree that it’s about time that pesky roadrunner get what’s coming to him.
Disclaimer: Wile E. Coyote is a major contributor to my campaign.
Point 7:
Most people know by now that I lay down the law, especially for speeding.
WAIT – I don’t know how the media got a hold of this video, but I assure you this is NOT what it looks like… That cookie was a gift – not a bribe.
Point 8:
I very much believe in helping dogs less fortunate. I’m proud to say that I have – through my store sales and blog awards, donated thousands to our local dachshund rescue.
Point 9:
My fellow Canadians will be happy to know I’m also an RCMP officer. And for those who are not Canadian, I think you can still appreciate how good this hat looks on me.
Point 10:
It’s true, to this day I still can’t bring myself to go to the bathroom on concrete. So I will do everything possible to keep this planet green!
Point 11:
Now for the Americans out there, you will be happy to know I’m already a proven leader of the Navy. President is just a logical next-step.
Point 12:
I promise to personally rebuild all the crumbling roads – with the help of my brother Oakley.
Point 13:
This will surely help me win the vote of all dogs out there.
Point 14:
Consider them forewarned.
Point 15:
You won’t blame me right?! I’ve been asking for that private island for like literally forever.
Point 16:
When you think about it, this is a hugely important factor. What other President or Prime Minister can say they look good in a Speedo?
And think about how proud you would be to say YOUR country’s leader looks good in a Speedo. Exactly 😉
Point 17:
You know I love fishing. And if we want to keep fishing, we need to do a better job of protecting our water systems!
Lastly, Point 18:
Come on, chant with me; “CRUSOE’S NUMBER ONE! CRUSOE’S NUMBER ONE!..”
So that about wraps up my policies. Hopefully you agree with all of them. And if not, well then no offence, but you might have stupid opinions.
I’m kidding obviously; remember to always be respectful of others and their point of views! 🙂
However, that doesn’t mean I can’t get excited at the fact that “I know I’m going to win“. Again, I’m not a member of any particular party – and in fact I crash all parties – but I was at the last debate. Hopefully you saw me.
The consensus was that I won, even though the media seemed to ignore me, which is maybe why you didn’t see me.
So, that just means I have to get out there and start campaigning even harder!
Don’t forget to put out your “Vote Crusoe” signs! 🙂
Keep votin’,
~ Crusoe
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